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Saturday, July 9, 2011

A Thorn in the Rose Garden of Profile Perfection

A few years back I found myself single after years of marriage and at the end of a long term, insane relationship. My job or social life did not offer a lot in the way of meeting the opposite sex, so I signed up on an online dating site.

Once I got the hang of things I had little trouble in scaring up a date. However, I soon found out that people do not
always look or present themselves as their profile may state. (I must say that most did, so I am, by no means, saying that it is not a way to meet people.)

I enjoyed reading all the different profiles and trying to figure out when the pictures they had posted might have been taken. But what
really interested me was the must have criteria for a date with a lot of the women. I would think; Damn! No wonder you are single! I even had some that would send me questionnaire forms of a sort, so you know I completed all those. Mercy!!

To be fair, after I talked with several of the women, I learned that the gents on the site were known to blow a bit of smoke as well. I would usually just say, “Really? I guess you are as shocked as I am! It’s hard to believe men would
lie about anything.”

So, at that point I took a little of what I had learned and a
lot of what I made up and composed an introductory mail to send out. You might call it kind of a read between lines for some of the profiles.

I entitled it:
                                “A Thorn in the Rose Garden of Profile Perfection”  


Dear (insert name here),
 
I hope this mail finds you in the best of health and happiness. I like your profile and can see that I enjoy many of the things you do. I also have come to enjoy hiking of late, as one of my New Years resolutions is to get back in shape. It seems that over the last few years, my six-pack has turned into a twelve pack. I have learned, however, I need to cut back on the cigarettes, as I seem to spend more time sitting beside the trail hacking than hiking.

Therefore, I may have to put more focus on quitting smoking. I have tried a few times in the past but never could figure out what happens after sex if you don’t smoke. Lots of folks have suggested carrots, celery sticks and the like, to curb the craving for a smoke. However, I am hesitant to try this suggestion after sex, since I fear going to the refrigerator for a carrot could be a very confusing experience for one's pecker. No doubt going from a warm, comfy place to suddenly being subjected to a blast of cold air would leave him traumatized and likely curb his enthusiasm, should his services be required after a rest and carrot snack.    

I enjoy dinning out the same as you, with the exception of seafood, it makes me swell up like a toad frog and have trouble breathing.
A good steak is my favorite, but my teeth make it slow going unless the steak is
extremely tender. They had promised to fix my teeth prior to my release from prison but I was released early when some court decided I would never catch up on my back child support if I remained incarcerated.
I can still enjoy a steak though; if you are patient, I can just cut it in small pieces so I can chew it with the few front teeth I have left. My buddies in prison often told me I looked like a chipmunk gnawing on a hickory nut but they were always just joking around.
I also enjoy the beach for a moonlight walk or just soaking in the sun, but right now my drivers license are suspended due to a DUI a couple years ago, but I hope to get them back in about a year, assuming I can pay the fines. However, if I met someone with a car and they can afford the room, I am sure my parole officer would allow me to go, if just for a long weekend or something. Like I said, I enjoy the beach but just cant get too close to the water if I am drunk, because if one of those little rushing waves, that comes up further than the rest, hits my feet, for some reason it causes me to wet my pants.

I am working to get a picture posted. But I am using my neighbors computer at the moment, since I lost mine in the divorce, and I'm not sure how to do it anyway. I would say my looks are average for my age. I am slightly bald on top but the sides
are long and I can comb the sides over to cover most of the bald. My counselor says the slight twitch in my right eye and the occasional head jerks might go away with my current medication, along with the calming effects the love of a good woman can have on a man.

I read that most folks say chemistry is a must. Just to let you know, I flunked chemistry in school and that is part of why I quit. But I may be able to learn all about it now. The only thing that
impressed me much, in school, was when the teacher sucked the hard-boiled egg down in the milk jug in science class.
I don’t know if you're into the Harley scene or not, but seems
most are. I have a moped until I get my license back. Its pretty fun and a little fast if you are going down hill but up the hill can be a little tricky especially if you are a big girl.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Thorn.

1 comment:

  1. This is hilarious! And oh..so...true when it comes to online dating!

    ReplyDelete